Found my old sibs weekend shirt from sophomore year. Dude.
I’ve done this.
I did that with this very movie. Metaphorically, anyway. “And the couple consisting of two people suffering from different mental illnesses lived happily ever after.” WHAT THE FUCK.
I was so pissed off that this movie didn’t end with a murder-suicide.
Ten years ago, Chris and I went on our first date. We were 21, seniors in college at Ohio University. We’d met for the first time a month before in a capstone class called “Existentialism in Film and Literature.” We had a mutual friend who introduced us during the class break on the first day. The three of us grabbed lunch after class a few times, including once at the Burrito Buggy, which is memorable only because a burrito is one of those Foods That I Should Not Eat In Front of Anyone, Let Alone A Cute Smart Red-Headed Boy Upon Whom I Had a Crush. Sure enough, I went home from that lunch to discover that I’d had a black bean covering one of my front teeth like I’d blacked it out with a Sharpie. Chris claims he didn’t notice.
We’d run in to each other a few times at a favorite coffee shop, The Donkey. After the first run in, I started go there all the time, between every class, hoping to casually run into him again. But we had pretty opposite schedules so I only saw him a handful of times. My memories of those times include me blushing and stammering and saying things like “Good!” after Chris would say, “What’s up?” My sister, who was a freshman, was with me for one of these run ins and after Chris walked back to his table, she taunted me, “Oh, you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike him!” Guilty as charged.
During one of the super-casual-and-completely-accidental-and-not-at-all-planned-or-stalkery Donkey encounters, Chris and I were talking about movies, and he asked, “Would you want to go see Kill Bill with me?”
All variety of internal car alarms and sirens went off. !!! A DATE? DID HE ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE? SAY SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING
I replied, “Good!”
I finally remembered how to speak in sentences, and we agreed to look up movie times for Friday night and talk in class the next day, Thursday. After Chris left I grabbed a newspaper to see where it was playing. It wasn’t. Huh. When I got home later that day, I looked up Kill Bill and found out it wasn’t going to be released for another 2 months. We showed up in class the next day and agreed to definitely go see it together in two months. We left it at that.
I didn’t see Chris again until the following Monday, back in class again. I hung around after class to see if maybe he wanted to grab lunch. He had to run off to work, but asked if I would want to come over to his place that night and watch a movie?
I had class on Mondays until 8:00 pm, so we agreed I would come over after, and we’d get something to eat and then watch a movie. Even though we were little 21 year old babies when we met, the only time I’ve ever cognizant of exactly how young we were when we started dating is the fact that I was okay with plans starting after 8:00 pm.
Chris lived about a mile or two off campus, so I drove over to save time. He was waiting on his porch for me when I pulled up to his house. I’d spent the entire evening sweating over which CD to have playing in my car when he got in. I’d originally put in Elvis Costello, which was all I’d been listening to for the past month, but then at the last minute switched it out for David Bowie. Chris got in the car and said, “Oh, David Bowie, nice!” (RELIEF!) We started talking about music; Chris said he’d been listening to nothing but Elvis Costello lately. (FATE!)
We drove back to campus and decided on Pita Pit for dinner because I was a vegetarian at the time. I know. We all make mistakes when we’re young. We both got falafel. And a coffee from the diner next door. I know. We all make mistakes when we’re young. We went back to Chris’s place and his roommates had kindly disappeared. We put in a movie but I can’t even tell you what it was because we talked through the entire thing. When the movie was over, Chris showed me a movie he’d made for math class in high school called Bad Mother Vectors. I was a goner.
We moved up to his bedroom in the attic and sat on the floor and listened to music. I was sitting on a bean bag, we were talking and then there was a pause and I will never, ever forget the look on Chris’s face as he leaned into kiss me. I was a total goner.
The next day we regretfully parted to go to our classes. I went back over to Chris’s that evening. He was on the phone with a friend when I showed up and said, “Hey, I gotta go, my girlfriend’s here.” So that was that. Day 2. Boyfriend and girlfriend.
We saw each other every day that week, and the week after, and so on. On Day 3 we got a little drunk on $1 PBR long necks upstairs at the Union, waiting for a band to come out and play. The band started up. It was loud. Chris yelled into my ear, “I really want to say something to you, but it feels crazy to say it this early.” I said, same here. On the count of three then. Chris yelled, “I LOVE YOU!” I yelled, “I WANT TO MARRY YOU!”
I’d always imagined that I would eventually end up with someone that I had been friends with for years, and one day we’d both just realize what fools we’d been, just like in the movies, or, you know, with Mulder and Scully. Love was inevitably a process of me eventually wearing the other person down. I always thought that love at first sight was complete bullshit. So of course that bullshit happened to me.
Ten years. I’ve been with Chris for a third of my life. After the next ten, I will have been with him for half my life. It’s never going to feel long enough.
Love you, bubs.
This is the best thing I’ve ever photoshopped, and I can’t really remember why I did it in the first place.
They know us so well.
It’s like raaaaaaaaaaaain on your wedding day.
Happy dos, Chris!
Why We're Friends, 9/26/13 1:38 pm Edition
Me: Why don't they make travel-sized back scratchers?
Me: Wait, DO they?
Tracie: I bought an extendable fork from Restoration Hardware forever ago and I use that.
Tracie: It's also great for nabbing someone's French fries from across the table.
I stopped sucking my (right) thumb when I was six years old, but to this day, if I have one of those brief lapses of “which hand is my right, which is my left” I can solve it by instinctively raising my right thumb to my mouth. And then trying to look really casual about it, like I was just thinking, like some man in a catalog.
I didn’t stop sucking my thumb at night until I was like 12? 13? Maybe even older than that. We tried that stuff that you can put on your finger nails that tastes like vomit to make you stop biting your nails, but I can sleep through anything, including licking that right off. Then we tried a bandaid, but all that did was cause me to sleep-eat a lot of bandaids. So my mom used to tape a sock to my hand at night until I broke the habit. Slumber parties were a terrifying proposition to me at that age.
Anyway, I use my index finger and thumb to make an L shape with each hand; the one that looks like an L is left.
Megan: The beginning of this is how I want to start entering rooms
me: Of course the name of this video is “Best Drag Queen Entrance EVER!”
I don’t even need to watch it, do I?
Megan: JUST WATCH
so that we can start to practice
me: oh no is it a two person thing?
so you have to drop from the ceiling into a split?
Falling through a ceiling will be easy, runs in the family
Splits I’ll work on!
Did you know that The Killer Cow 3: The Terror Continues totally rips off this line?
A gift from Arty.
(I looked at this twice before I realized that was me as Oates.)
If I had to pick the musical duo that most closely matches my marriage, I’d go with Hall and Oates because Chris dances exactly like Daryl Hall in this video, and I have a mustache.
Woke up this morning screaming like a little kid on Christmas “IT’S HALL AND OATES DAY!!!!!!!!!!”
After the wedding it’s the after party. After the party it’s the world’s worst karaoke bar.
In a bar where most dudes were wearing t shirts with the sleeves ripped off and karaokeing timeless hits like “Medium Pace,” Chris got up on stage in a three piece suit, said, “I just came from a funeral and the guy who died, this was his favorite song” and then just destroyed “Superstar” by the Carpenters.